Suffering Unexpected Illness & What It's Like

 


When we suffer from an unexpected illness, injury, or death.. 

The future is uncertain. 

 
All the work we have ever done is now in vain.

This disability has marked me and rendered me as useless to my employer.
I worked for possessions that are now outdated. I am now isolated.
Money is not faithful to me, she always flees into the hands of another.
But, i worked diligently for her, but she showed me no compassion nor mercy.
She's just a whore.

I had a 9-5 job, it was ordinary. I worked my way forward and after the storm hit, i reflected on it and i have not made an impact on anyone's life nor has the time spent at my job benefited anyone significantly.
But, some may be hero's to their clients, patients, and customers, but reflect on it. Would you do it again if you could go back and do anything without limits or restrictions? Knowing disability, and knowing death is certain and the lifespan short, what would you have changed?

My friends left as the money dwindled. I couldn't afford to go out for a drink anymore. Sitting at home is a bore. It takes alot to concentrate on small matters, im not at all like i used to. I can barely pay attention, and i get tired when i'm out.

Balancing my life, i have found consumption. Time is consumed, among all other things.

When i could no longer take care of myself, i found how rarity compassion is unless it's for monetary gain. True compassion is like a precious jewel. Everything and everyone around me faded away with my mental and physical health. I watched everything around me die before i did. The only one who ever cared about me genuinely was God. When everyone else let go, he held on and i experienced him in ways that i cannot speak. There are no words.

There are no words that define his glory. There's not a big enough word to describe him. All words are so bleak and overused. But, the one word that resonates with me when i think of him is love. Pure love. I let go of everything else and held onto love, even when those around me did not. I sat silent in my chair, grumbling in pain but i apologize for my wrongs, and i cherish the jewels of compassion i see in others. Everyone around me was a dancing ray of light. Some shone the most beautiful colors, and all emotions that i saw in them from God, they were beautiful.

Othertimes, i felt darkness settle in around me at all sides. It was a fight, a war, and it was my life that death sought. Because of monetary gain in compassion, i felt more alone than i did at my job, long ago when i was an able bodied prisoner. The difference was back then, the prison contained me from the outside. Usually it came in the form of a big box store. No one cared about me there, it was only what i had to offer for them. Working for decades at one location, when sickness sweeps over you, and you thought the people around you are like family, not many will check up on you. If they do, they were your fellows, and not the people who looked after us in the store. No "Get Well Soon" cards, in fact, they were angry that an illness settled your bones and they replace you.

Some families are blessed with a gathering at the dining table, and mine is empty.

Some families are resting together on the couch, and mine is empty.

I am solitary.


The days spent with my family became harder and harder as i rested my head and they spoke words that i could not comprehend. But, those days i focused on creation. God was speaking to me through his creation. He showed me beautiful things, and rare treasures. We didn't have to speak words. Words became many for me, and it became hard to comprehend full sentences.

My mind is being swallowed by death. It gripped in the darkness. What i thought was gold was corrupt, and the silver no longer shone. The snowflakes lost it's glitter, even in the light. The lakes teal glow lost it's appeal. All i sought was God.


Someone stood in the way, an obstacle it seems. Everytime i would reach for him, a strangers hands would reach back. They were always there, caring for me so that they could take home a little bit of money. I laid cold and alone in a corporate giants structure. This is where i witnessed the loss of law and morality because of the hands of those who abuse us who do not have a voice to speak. They all approached at the same time, and it was death.

There was no where to run, i was incapacitated. I could not move a single muscle. Everything became atrophy. I could only travel spiritually to my mind and my heart, and listen to the lull of my body still breathing it's last. The heart as it pounds, and feel things traveling through my veins, uncertain of what the stings, pokes, prods, and the hot and cold sensations were. But, it was torture, because i could not speak and i could not fight back. I could only travel to my heart.
I asked, "God, are you there?"

And i heard it, like a rubber mallet beating me down with each breath.

But then in the darkness of my mind as death swallowed me i met with one in disguise. A lie in the lair, and he began to seek my death, my terror, and fed from all the lack in me. It was my conscience, which would have to break every barrier and let go and fall into the unknown.

In faith, i was greeted with doubt. Spiritually i took one step forward, and one step back. My body was not moving.

When i sought help, i tried to find God. Potentially, in the hearts of mankind i would knock and ask "Are you there?" Many times, people have given up on me. They walked away. They didn't like the responsibility. I became a burden. But, i do not blame them because i am. They already had their families, their jobs, their day to day chores. But, i am a nobody. A speck of dust. I am shame.

A slow torture, a slow dying, the mind rapidly touching base with all that i have ever done.
For the fear that God will give up on me.

I began to focus on the darkness of my past. So many shameful unspeakable sins approached me and touched base with my consciousness. I am shame. There's no turning back, but i am disgusting. I am despicable. I feel worthless. Every sin had a root, and i traveled through and felt what i have done to the people. I felt all their pain, torment, and disgust in me. I have mocked and shamed others and they were more righteous than i am. I felt how i have made them feel, and it was terrible. I have cheated, and i destroyed my entire family because of it. I have unclean hands. I am not worthy to reach for you, God. Everywhere i looked, my conscience grew bigger and i could not escape my mistakes, they played on reel on repeat. They chased after me. They chained me. Death came to swallow me whole, and i knew my fate. I heard hell approaching, and i could only hear them speak. They tried to find a war in me, but there was none. I was overcome. All the enemies came to my brain as a battleground.  

All i felt was stinging pain, burning, and like a sword pierced my heart. They seek my lifeless body. They only want death from me.

It's the kind of death they issue, like a soldiers boots and their guns. Death issued like what proceeds out of wicked mouths. Death that lost it's appeal long ago, but dead bones are unearthed and carried out of graved to be picked clean by the vultures after the hawks already had their taste.

Rebirth can never re-heal or re-live when these folks drag me from the womb just so that i could slowly come back to this place and die.

For everything is vain, and the only things that matter are the values assumed and exhumed.

The one i love stood next to me and i could not recognize him. I received faces of confusion. My heart was veiled, i could not see. I'm gripping in the dark, blindly.
PLEASE FIND ME!








THE LAST DAY
When we're on our death beds
It's not about how we did with our hair or what we wore.
It's not about how we look.
It's about how we look to God.
We won't reflect on all the overtime we took and the money we made
It's about what spiritual treasures we stored in Heaven for God
We won't focus on the house kept clean
We will focus on what we kept clean in ourselves for God

When we fed the darkness, as it is hungry and it bloats in all of it's death
We fell into it because of uncertainty of The Truth of God
We look around at all the darkness and we lose hope in there being a God
We wonder why we exist and we have no direction, but we know better
We feed the darkness and it swells and we cannot get out, as it took out our spirit
And hell is as the sea and your spirit became an anchor
God is the only one who has the strength to pull us out
But we fought against him and his love, and we walked contrary to him
Many have used his name in a bad way and blasphemed the Holy
Those who witnessed anyone who spoke against Christ didn't defend him
We feasted on lying, and destruction, we have hurt alot of people
We have mocked and laughed at people who God loves,
Who are more worthy than we are.
We have judged with our unrighteous those who are favored by God.
We have done disgusting things when we sat in private and thought that no one could see us.
We have fed fires that consumed others in our lust
We toss people out like garbage, people who have sinned less than we have
We have been unrepentant, but those who sin more have repented
To the repentant we unearthed the dead and dragged the dead sins out
We brought that cancerous tumor called sin out of remission, and we sought death in others
We glorified ourselves and we refuse to see wrong in ourselves but judge others
We have taken things that we should not, and we didn't chose to do the right thing for gain
We seek destruction on our enemies, who we should love. We pick fights with our neighbors.
We seek to destroy those who were blessed by God and try and remove their landmarks competitively
When we have businesses, we do not love our fellow competitors who are a lot like us in many ways
We should love one another like we love ourselves, but we chose to be against
We speak to the face lovingly, but when no one is looking we slander
We seek the destruction of people for entertainment, when we should help one another
We cast people inside of pits when we should help people out of pits.
We have betrayed our own people. Our own family members. Our loved ones. Our own tribes.
Some of us have betrayed our own country. Some of us are lawless but hold the law to judge others.
Some of us are merciless. God is merciful, so we walk contrary to him even believing that we are his.
God is peaceful, and many have made war against his people and him. Destroying all peace and efforts
Many of us have witnessed crime but refused to do anything about it.
Those in positions of helping people will sometimes refuse help.
When no one is looking, we sin. We are all sinners.
God sees the value in repentant sinners.
But the unrepentant in heart are worthless.
When we have confessed our sins and we make that sacrifice
We are clean when we have washed clean of it.
When we remove it and never do it again
We are free from it, and the burden of not only doing it
But free from all the burdens of hiding it
But, many hearts will be broken in many of our sins
Because we not only hurt ourselves
But we hurt other people..
Sin is having done anything without faith
And having done anything that harms,
Because if we were made perfect in Gods love,
We would never harm.
God is Judge.